True Blood Ep. 3: CSI: Bon Temps

Here’s your recap, review, and predictions for this Weeks episode of True Blood. So let us dive in.

Erik abducted the Louisiana Governor’s daughter who has the dreadful case of  perpetual doe in the headlights look in a  super creepy manner. We’ve establish the Governor (like most in television history) is a vampire separatist supporter and an asshole. Meaning that vampires aren’t going to be thrilled about the whole curfew and being deemed as a species without rights schpeal. So it’s beyond me while he thinks his operations should occur IN HIS HOUSE where his only family member lives. Work goes into a government office, not your living room. Then again it’s the south, I assume all offices look like old southern style houses.

Now it’s rare that my favorite moment in an episode turns up in the first couple minutes, but seeing Bill have megalomaniacal rant about being “The Chosen One.” before being turned into tender crispy was oh so sweet. I mean yeah, I guess it’s kind of nobel wanting to save the vampires, but not so much when you pimp out your (technically permanetl underaged) prodginy to a perverted college proffessor. But I guess the pervy ends justify the needs of finding someone who can potentially synthesize more True Blood.
Don't do drugs kids.

Jason’s having mild aneurysm, but they seem to be making him less “racist” against Vampires. He finally tells Sookie about his parental hallucinations, and the two rationalize it’s a “no one’s perfect” explanation. Apparently they idolized their dead parents, but I they haven’t been mentioned at all, or at least not in depth until recently. But apparently his little strokes and fainting spells are making him a little more reasonable and back to the beautiful idiot we know and love.
Screen Shot 2013-07-01 at 1.20.28 PM

By the way Sookie, why bother locking the door? If an ancient Rob Zombie looking vampire’s going to come and get you, a locked wooden door isn’t your best defense. But CSI Granpa finds the fairy carnival clubhouse massacre (note to self, great band name) and uses these awesome blood/telepathy strobe light powers to figure out what went down. After leaving he runs into Ben, who perpetually looks like he should be on a dirty girl bookcover. The two acknowledge Grandpa is royalty and the Ben knows Sookie and they decided to head off.
"WHOOOO Are YOU?" Warlo. it's warlo you dumbass.

Eric and company visit Ginger house to hide out with. Pam and Tara throwing the usual hissy fit, nothing new there. Our doe faced Willow reveals that vampires are being rounded up and being brutally experimented on in a secret camp. Which ties in with Bill visions of everyone getting fried. The Governor and SWAT team call and trace Eriks whereabouts after Ginger picked up the phone. She may be an idiot, but if my brain was scrambled after 6 seasons of glamouring, it can’t be that surprising. Not sure if Erik knew they were tracing the call or if he’s just stupid because that’s the oldest kidnapping gimmick in the book. But naturally Tara ruines/complicates everything by leaving Gingers house with Willow after hearing Erik confirm he’s going to kill her. Hurray unneeded and pointless plot points!

After a lovely dose of Lafayette sass to the college hippie scooby gang, Sam plans on getting Emma back. The police are currently looking for her, and Alicde and the rest of the Werewolves prove they are the worst liars and babysitter imaginable. Now Grandma Werewolf I will attempt to understand, Emma’s her only family and you have to protect family yadda yadda. But Alcides new girlfriend is apparently this seasons top bitchy character. Which was weird, cause she was relatively normal the previous season. So after Emma gets her 1 millionth reason for therapy, we see Sam disguises himself as an owl.
In the day time. Him turning into an Emu would’ve been less conspicuous. But lucky for him, Werewolves are hillbilly morons. Like two hours after the cops leave after finding no Emma, that’s not how Search and Seizure laws work btw, our hippie activist intrude on the camp. Now I understand privacy, but when adults are growling like wolves while stating they aren’t werewolves, and then turn into wolves and eat the college kids there’s not a lot of sympathy left for the worst pack master ever. But on a good note, it’s night time and an owl makes more sense. Sam,after exposing himself to a child,rescues Emma and the two head off. Probably back to his house. Cause that’s what usually happens.
eat diplomacy

Reverend Newlin is back, and is currently at the secret camps that Willow talked about. What made me psyched was his wife from The Help is basically playing the same character, but with vampires. So I’m excited to see what she ends up doing with the Governor later. We established that Newlin is a giant nark. Not cool.
you could ski down that hair

Bill gets all intrusive on Sookie (running theme of show) and shows off his God like powers. Because when you get emasculated by the Sun, you need to terrify some people to get your ego back up. He states he needs Sookie’s blood in order to make a newer, and more powerful, True Blood substitute. She refuses to help, Bill acts all mopey and leaves after his future seeing party trick flops. Granpa returns with Ben and the two are awkward, and Granpa finds Nora spying on them, who is actually looking for Warlo as well.
You're not a God, you're just an asshole.

Andy meanwhile has been dealing with his now pre teen daughters, lovingly named #1-4. Holly and Andy have an awkward yet sweet semi date, while the girls get yelled at for “shooting hand lasers” and mind reading. Which leads into the very insidious ending of Andy telling Bill to go home, and Bill congratulating Andy on his 4 weed like growing children before smiling like a creep and leaving.
Compared to everyone in this show, Andy isn't doing half bad


Tara’s going to be get an official plaque stating she is mentally challenged.

Ben is totally Warlo, he shaved the Rob Zombie beard and massacred the fairy carnival after Sookie told him where it was. He has been eating Fairies for centuries, he could totally walk in the sun for a couple hours after that steady Vitamin D diet. He got her at the place, hence him lying around Bon Temps.

Bill is going to kidnap/kill Andys kids and use them for the new synthesised Blood. I don’t know why, it’s not really confirmed Bill knows his kids are fae, but F*** is, logic isn’t found  in a place for daytime Owls and liberal art kids who think diplomacy works with hillbillies.

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