Here’s the thing. This movie would be f*cking amazing, if it were a trilogy. The concept is so great but the presentation was just a little messy. Here’s the #rundown:
PRE-SCRIPT – if you know a program that will allow me to have a button you can click to hide the spoilers, message us on Facebook, that would be awesome so I don’t feel like I’m ruining it for people, I hate that crap. BEFORE I SPOIL ANYTHING. I will start with my conclusion: This is a fantastic original story filled with shockingly good visuals. I would see it in theaters if you can catch a matinee because you need to see it in a large-screen format. The detail explored in creating the Jupiter Ascending universe is something that could have created a couple of really good spinoffs if this had gone over better at market. It didn’t, probably because of the things I mention below. No grades, those are for children. It’s not a waste of money in-theaters, HOWEVER if you’re not a theater person, this is something you should definitely check out on-demand. Support original stories, otherwise, well, it’s over Johnny.
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Okay, on to the good stuff.
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Mila Kunis, hot. Cleans toilets with her mother, illogical in our superficial society so we have to suspend disbelief for a minute, not a problem. <SPOILER> She is the reincarnation (exact genetic duplication) of a woman who apparently is the matriarch of a 100,000 year old family of the ‘original’ human race. </SPOILER> Yep, I said it.
I’ll take it further, how do these “genus originalus” (just made that up) stay young? <SPOILER 2>The take baths in this crazy liquid made from the harvested bodies of other humans. Don’t dive in with both feet just yet, it takes 100 humans to make a bottle of goo. </SPOILER2>
The concept is that earth is actually a plot of land owned by this family, they seed it with humans, and then after a few thousand years they harvest it. They started out by seeding it with a different species that was more archaic, bigger, but they found out it wasn’t conducive to harvesting or mass population. (The Dinosaurs). Not the mamma!
I actually think this is a plausible concept for the film. That being said, it is at this point that they’ve fully explained the basic premise of the film, and we’re 80% of the way through. The big ‘twist’ is that soylent green is people, so we’re supposed to ignore the giant flying komodo dragons, the werehuman, and the floating space cities protected by hurricanes that were thrust upon us on the way.
Werehuman – half lycan, half human, a genetically engineered soldier. Let’s not forget, werewolves are half human anyway, just not all the time. this one is just all human-ey all the time. That part was a bit confusing.
Don’t get me wrong, Mila Kunis had some HILARIOUS bestiality puns, but he looks more like he should be playing the pan flute than trying to challenge the monarchy. Or leading the rise of the lycans.
This guy, this guy looks like he should be leading the charge. Then again, he was the main character in “Rise of the Lycans”, not “Jupiter Ascending”. But I digress.
Parts I thought were AWESOME:
-=World-building=-
As someone that builds worlds for a living (high five for working a Hashtag Comics reference into this post)- I would think it to be one of the biggest challenges ever to try and construct a city or world that would contain a human race that is 100 thousand years in our future. They do a PRETTY great job.
From the ritzy estate of the upper class:
To the festering pile of space garbage that our precious earth is bound to become after overpopulation forces us to the water, and then to the sky, and then to space.
I also appreciated that these things were never explained. I’m guessing we’re supposed to assume that they’re either some type of “other” evolved species that despite it’s superior strength, ability to fly, awesome tail or charming British accent, has become a sort of slave soldier race to the rich family.
The Bad:
This is the family of d*ckheads fighting over land, power, inheritance, etc. We don’t know enough about their world, why there’s a floating spaceship fortress protected by storms, why the sister stays kinda ugly for half the movie when she just has to get into that bath to be hot again. She couldn’t have known about the ‘big reveal’ moment when Ty Pennington comes on later and “moves that bus” and Mila sees her transformation. It’s basically the “tadaaaa” moment of the film.
Brother left, has a lot of planets, brother middle, squandered most of his inheritance, sister right, stays ugly for half the film. on purpose. i guess.
They have managed anti-grav shoes but still insist on walking, they can create wormholes (i think) but they haven’t figured out teleportation. they give their soldiers wings and strength but there’s never an uprising. There are SO many holes that need to be filled, but I just can’t shake that I walked out of that going “wow, that was cool”. I will get it on-demand, I hope it makes it’s money back so that we can get more developments like it.
Last big spoiler, the END of the movie, is just stupid. I won’t ruin it, but it’s dumb as sh*t and makes no sense. I decided against telling you what it is, but you’ll see, then you’ll come back and say “yea, Drew, that makes no sense”.
Here’s the trailer:
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