Pelvic Sorcery. The name of my band in high school, also one of the hilarious moments in this epic film.
I’m not what you would call a “Film Critic”. I don’t do a lot of research to give you the last 10 films a person made, but I will try to make it interesting enough to keep reading.
Spoilers. I hate them. I’m going to write enough to get you in the theater, or keep you out. That’s how this works. I’m not going to ruin a movie, I haaaaaaate that.
Let’s just say the movie was awesome. It was funnier than I thought, some real belly laughs and then some totally nerdy aha moments in there too. It is tough to introduce a new group of characters like this since we’re all used to the X-Men and Avengers characters. It’s a lot at once, I don’t know if they’ll get spinoff films but I could totally see a Groot/Rocket film in 2017. They really stole the show.
There’s this guy. Peter Quill aka Star Lord (Chris Pratt). This is him in the mask in the movie. He’s a manwhore smuggler, we learn a little of his origin in the beginning, it’ll play into sequels.
Here’s Gamora (Zoe Saldana). Daugher of Thanos (kinda daughter, in that whole kidnap-ey experiment-ey kinda way), green skin but always with the right amount of cleavaggio.
This is Drax, I believe they call him Drax the Destroyer. He’s a psychopath and has a HILARIOUS quirk. Lost his family, wants to kill the bad guy, sitting in jail when we first find him.
I am Groot. Voiced by Vin Diesel, but actually acted by Krystian Godlewski, so technically Vin Diesel wasn’t Groot and I have no idea why he had to wear
stilts to the GotG premieres. Really? People are going to learn that you weren’t actually on set doing stuff but you wore stilts anyway, to be….taller? I wonder how the rest of the cast felt about that since a lot of them even did their own stunts. I heard he wore the stilt things even to record the voice. Way to go Vin, you mastered saying “I AM GROOT” in 200 different ways. (Small Spoiler, THAT IS ALL GROOT SAYS). Groot is Rocket’s bodyguard and he’s got some hilarious bits in this film. We have no idea what Groot is, he’s a humanoid plant thing that never really learned how to speak.
I digress.
This is Rocket Raccoon, voiced by Bradley Cooper (didn’t wear Raccoon suit to premieres. weird…) 
Rocket is a thief with excellent break-out-of-jail skills. I’m really not telling you anything you haven’t seen in the previews here.
One thing. Honorable mention for coolest part of the movie was a scene with Thanos, I think played by Josh Brolin. 
It was really cool to see him up close.
Long and short of the film- it’s a quest for one of the infinity gems, who gets it first, hired mercenary sent by Thanos that wants to kill planets and be totally uncool? Or groovy hodgepodge of whackadoos that have no business being together. Killers, thieves, whores, rodents, awesome soundtrack, TONS of laughs. It’s a great film. I saw it IMAX3D, and I would say it’s worth it. I’ll write a little about my theater experience beneath the trailer. But if you don’t care about that…well then you probably didn’t make it this far anyway.
[su_youtube url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LIQ2-PZBC8″ width=”860″ height=”480″ autoplay=”no”]
So. My theater experience. Reserved seating when you’re by yourself is always a tossup. Chances are you’ll probably get stuck between the texting teenagers and the old people that can’t help but discuss parts of the film. I wanted to see this the day before it came out, none of my friends could come. Let’s pretend hypothetically for this situation that I have tons of friends that would spend 20 bucks on a movie opening night. There were so many lines. BUT I got an awesome seat. I get to my seat, the dude next to me has no seat next to him, yet took it upon himself to fill both cupholders with things and is STUFFING his face with pretzel cheese bites. Can’t hate on him for the foodery but come on dude, you have your own arm rest that nobody can fight you for, get your lean on over there and get your goddamn goobers out of my cupholder!
The seat next to me is empty on my left side. Two down is a group of latino former service members, all wearing ‘never forget’ or ‘support our troops’ shirts. we’re three rows from the back of the theater in the center, in an IMAX 3D show. THIS means we have no seats in front of us but have the bottom 4 feet of the IMAX screen obstructed because of how lines of site work. It doesn’t really have anything to do with anything but the amount of times I heard “Um, I’m sorry you’re in our seats” was annoying. SIT IN YOUR SEATS PEOPLE. It’s a packed theater, you’re not going to get away with sitting one row up, use your brain.
So it’s about 30 seconds before the previews were going to start and this guy walks in, I can only imagine he’s 6 foot 5, 950 pounds, and he’s headed my way. It’s like that inhuman Yahtzee game you play on a flight. NO no no no no no YESSSS he walks by. Then Stops short, NOOOOOOOOOO, he says “seat 12? yep that’s me, man it was supposed to be on the end…” so he flops down. He doesn’t fit, my arm, which was on the armrest is now underneath the right flap of his…wing? i don’t know what to call it, but it was warm and i almost threw up. the guy next to him on the other side said “hell naw” and got up, presumably to cool off since he knew that it was going to be uncomfortable for the next 122 minutes.
So, i moved my arm, adjusted my weight, and the guy next to me removed his goobers, said “sorry dude” under his breath, giving me the lions share of that armrest. So now the movie is starting, andre the giant is now texting someone, I’m not sure if you can order a pizza to a specific seat at an AMC theatre, but I had no idea what was so important to this guy that it couldn’t wait. four times during the movie he either checked the time or texted someone. I don’t think it was his pilates instructor, but you never know.
Here’s how you solve a terrible situation: Roll with it. Pun intended. I just sorta nudged my arm into the abyss of his right fold and we shared the armrest, giving me two and a center balance that was pretty okay. Yes, it got warm, and I had to woosah for a couple minutes during his texting, but he was a fine human. He laughed at all the right places, and we got along just fine despite the predicament. I’m sure if he wasn’t as big, we may have talked more than “THIS IS AWESOME” or “NO WAY”. But as movies go, I was surrounded by nerds and we all clapped at the end.
Fin.